A hotel in Eastern Europe. John is mooching around the room, drinking from a bottle of Volvic mineral water. He kicks one of the beds, sits down on it, puts his water bottle on the coffee table, looks around.
| JOHN: | Christ, back here again. (Gets up, walks around some more, inspecting his surroundings.) Who’d have thought it? I mean, who’d have thought it? Back in this very same room… (Pause) But where is he? (Pulls out his mobile to make a call, then stops.) But of course. Davenport. The last person in Europe not to have a mobile phone. The last person, possibly on the planet… (Leans back a little) And what do they stuff these mattresses with, bricks? Unchanged. (He picks up the remote control and starts channel hopping. There is the sound of different channels – something in German, in idiotic advert, porn.) Unchanged. |
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John's mobile goes off.
| JOHN: | Oh, darling! Hi, Hi! Yeah, yeah, fine. Haven’t yet, no. No, I’ll be back tomorrow. I did tell you. Hotel Spartak. Spartak. Yeah, it’s weird. It must be the only hotel here that hasn’t had a revamp or an upgrade or anything. The rest of the city is…completely unrecognisable. Davvo. You remember Davvo. Well, he’s going to be my Best Man. Course we discussed it. Yeah… Yeah, I know he did… The Susie Cooper. Well, he paid for it, didn’t he? Offered to pay. I’m sure he offered to. Yeah, well. Anyway, how’s Millie? Is she? Bless. (Pause) Page boys? (Pause) Mauve, I guess. I mean, does it matter? Mauve or leaf green? You choose. No, but I… Well, I’m going to be wearing that one you picked out, aren’t I… |
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A knocking on the door, becoming louder.
| JOHN: | Anyway, gotta go. Sorry darling, there’s someone here for me. Yeah. Love you. Yeah. Big kiss. |
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He rises to answer the door, but as he does, there is a rattling of the door-handle, then the door is flung open, almost in his face. Enter DAVVO, dressed in a pyjama jacket roughly tucked into a pair of jeans, clutching two bottles of vodka.
| DAVVO: | Sedge! |
|---|---|
| JOHN: | Davvo! |
They embrace roughly.
| DAVVO: | Howdy doo-dee! |
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| JOHN: | Howdy doe-dee! |
| DAVVO: | Ha ha! How are you? |
| JOHN: | I’m good. I’m really good. You? |
| DAVVO: | Fine! Nightmare getting here, though. |
| JOHN: | What happened? |
| DAVVO: | Oh, got stuck with my Auntie in Vicenza as usual. You know the scene – playing the dutiful nephew. I’m buttering her up in hope of this legacy, you see… |
| JOHN: | Davvo, you don’t change. Hard work never was good enough for you. |
| DAVVO: | Well. |
| JOHN: | You’re a breath of fresh air, though, nowadays, let me tell you. God, it’s been a while. |
| DAVVO: | And what about you? What’s all this I hear about you getting hitched? |
| JOHN: | All true, I’m afraid. |
| DAVVO: | And wanting me to be Best Man. I’m touched, really I am. |
| JOHN: | Well, you are my oldest friend. |
| DAVVO: | And you’re a dark horse. Ha ha! Who is she? |
| JOHN: | Well, Ann of course. |
| DAVVO: | Who? |
| JOHN: | Ann. You must remember Ann. |
| DAVVO: | The Venezuelan one? |
| JOHN: | No! |
| DAVVO: | The one with the lazy eye! |
| JOHN: | Of course not - since when was there… You must remember Ann. Dark hair. Five foot five-ish. Come on, I’ve lived with her for eight years. You visited, remember? |
| DAVVO: | Oh, Ann! Yes, it all comes back! |
| JOHN: | (Good-naturedly) You stayed up after we'd gone to bed and drank an entire bottle of duty free. |
| DAVVO: | I was jetlagged. |
| JOHN: | Then broke Ann's Susie Cooper coffee pot. She still hasn't entirely forgotten that, bless her! |
| DAVVO: | Well, I was jetlagged. (He pours out two shots of vodka.) Anyway, cheers! |
| JOHN: | Cheers! |
They drink the vodka down in one go.
| DAVVO: | I’ve never been anyone’s Best Man before, and from what I hear, the opportunities for having your wicked way with the assembled female throng are unimpeachable. So congratulations, John, congratulations! (Offering a cigarette) Have a cigar! |
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| JOHN: | No thanks, I’ve given up. |
| DAVVO: | Have you? Oh yes, you have. Well, let’s keep it here on top of the Brezhnev-era TV for later (He puts a cigarette on the TV) Might turn out to be the dying man’s last request. I suppose this is your last night of freedom, more or less? |
| JOHN: | (Cheerfully) The sands of batchelorhood are running out. |
| DAVVO: | Your stag night, after a manner of… |
| JOHN: | After a manner of. Had my English stag last month. |
| DAVVO: | Yeah, sorry I couldn’t make that. |
| JOHN: | Oh, don’t worry about it. I mean, what better place, what better place for us to meet than this? |
| DAVVO: | We always did say we’d come back, ten years later. Is it exactly ten years? Can’t be. |
| JOHN: | Near as. Ten years and 18 days. |
| DAVVO: | Ten years and eighteen days, eh? The blink of an eye. Where does the time go? |
| JOHN: | Frightening, mate, frightening. |
| DAVVO: | So here we are, as planned, to meet back up, to talk things over, and see how things have changed. And by the looks of things….things haven’t changed a bit. Christ, this place, eh? Talk about “Back to the Future”. (He strokes the faded wallpaper lovingly) Hotel Spartak. Just the same as it was when we first arrived, all those years ago. |
| JOHN: | It’s about the only thing that hasn’t changed, though, Dav. You seen the Square? |
| DAVVO: | Not so much as breached the front door. I was delayed. |
| JOHN: | Oh, of course – what happened? |
| DAVVO: | Missed two connections out of Milan. |
| JOHN: | Auntie trouble? |
| DAVVO: | Didn’t get in until about 5 am this morning, and of course I couldn’t sleep a wink on the train, so I took a couple of downers as soon as I got to my room. Only woke up about half an hour ago. Ah, well, cheers! |
DAVVO pours another round. JOHN baulks at the new drink.
| DAVVO: | Uh, uh! No shirking. Remember, remember – never too much space between the first and the second. There’s a certain wisdom in these old Slavic customs. |
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| JOHN: | What can I say? I’m forgetting myself. We can’t go around changing old habits now. |
| DAVVO: | And tonight, my dear Sedgegrove, is devoted to those old habits. |
| JOHN: | (Raising his glass) To the old ways. |
| DAVVO: | The old days. The old manner of doing things. |
| JOHN: | And where better to do it than here, in our old room in Hotel Spartak. We were the first set of teachers to come here. |
| DAVVO: | The first, and the best. |
| JOHN: | The first to reply to that advert in The Guardian? |
| DAVVO: | Quite so. |
| BOTH: | “Teach English in Eastern Europe… |
| JOHN: | Beautiful city, friendly people… |
| DAVVO: | Enjoyable work… |
| BOTH: | Excellent rates of pay… |
| DAVVO: | Accommodation provided.” |
| JOHN: | We should have that advert framed. Tell me – what were you doing when you saw it? |
| DAVVO: | Me? Probably scouring around for work at the British Council in Madrid. |
| JOHN: | Oh, yeah, you did do Spain, didn’t you? |
| DAVVO: | The merest stint. Where were you? |
| JOHN: | Oh, at my folks’ place. Out of work, and with my heart set on Brazil, actually, but I thought, give it a shot. |
| DAVVO: | A hiding to nothing, some might say, this place, but you gave it a shot. |
| JOHN: | We both did. |
| DAVVO: | And three weeks later we were here. (Pause). So you say this place has changed? |
| JOHN: | You’re in for a shock. |